breaking free (rom. 6)

“What shall we say then? Shall we continue in sin that grace may abound? Certainly not! How shall we who died to sin live any longer in it? Or do you not know that as many of us as were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into His death?

Therefore we were buried with Him through baptism into death, that just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, even so we also should walk in newness of life.

… knowing this, that our old man was crucified with [Him], that the body of sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves of sin.

For he who has died has been freed from sin.

 … Likewise you also, reckon yourselves to be dead indeed to sin, but alive to God in Christ Jesus our Lord … For sin shall not have dominion over you, for you are not under law but under grace. What then? Shall we sin because we are not under law but under grace? Certainly not!

Do you not know that to whom you present yourselves slaves to obey, you are that one’s slaves whom you obey, whether of sin [leading] to death, or of obedience [leading] to righteousness? But God be thanked that [though] you were slaves of sin, yet you obeyed from the heart that form of doctrine to which you were delivered.

And having been set free from sin, you became slaves of righteousness.

But now having been set free from sin, and having become slaves of God, you have your fruit to holiness, and the end, everlasting life. For the wages of sin [is] death, but the gift of God [is] eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord. “

~ Romans 6, NKJV

I did not do this. For a long time, at the end of the day, I would always whisper ,”Tomorrow,” and did nothing about my sin. I was guilty, and in pain, but I just Couldn’t. Let. Go. Not on my own.

I tried. I can at least say I tried, with my own power, with my own strength, determination. I mean, don’t those words make sense to the soul, “Where there’s a will, there’s a way”? If I tried, if I really, really tried, I could overcome my sin. No problem.

Until it was.

But I tried. I tried my darn hardest, but I would only just fail and fail all over again, and why, Lord, is this not working? I tried again. And failed. Tried some more. Failed. And I would *not* learn my lesson that, just maybe, I couldn’t do it on my own?

I tried and tried. And for a while I succeeded. But that did not last long.

You see, I’ve always been the independent kind of girl. I don’t take help from anyone, no matter how much I need it. If you ask for help, I will jump up and help you immediately, no questions asked. But you help me? Nuh uh. Noooo way will I ever let you do that. I’m strong enough. I’m capable enough. I can do it, gee wiz. Why do people doubt me?

But someone can do that for only so long, until they break.

But I don’t break, I can’t break, I won’t let myself break. I’ll stand firm, I’ll stay strong, I’ll overcome this, by golly, and no, God, I don’t need Your help, I don’t want Your help, and I don’t need You, I sputter.

But you do, My princess.

These words of His caress my weary soul, as my lip quivers and tears of surrender trickle down my cheeks. Because I know I do, and I know every word, every denial for help is slowly & painfully breaking me. It’s a form of torture, really.

And I couldn’t go on any longer like this.

So I closed my eyes, whispered a prayer from the heart, and reached out my hand.

And I break free from my bonds.

I don’t know much about this thing called grace, the hows and the whys, but I know that I need it, and it’s something I could never live without. It’s something I can’t get until I completely dump my worries, my sin, my fears, my guilt, and, really, everything, at the foot of the Cross, that place where grace and suffering meet. And it’s not a one time thing, where you do this and that’s it.

No.

It’s something you have to do every year, every day, every hour, every moment. Every day you throw your cares and concerns, and run with reckless abandon to the One whom your soul loves. That’s the meaning of, “Go, and sin no more.”

To this day, I still struggle, I still sin, I still flail in the flood of chaos and corruption, but I always know where to turn to.

And, because of this, my life couldn’t be any better. And I close my eyes and worship Him until the day He takes me home.